Imperfection - Okay, I Get It, I'm Angry

This was written on 31 July 07 - I guess it was meant to point some things out to me. It might be instructive to others. Maybe not.

To those of you who are reading this and actually have met me, you know I am a raging cauldron of conflicting emotions and messed up intentions.

I hate seeing the way I am supposed to be and not being able to attain those lofty goals. All I can honestly be is me. And I don't like that.

I don't expect perfection, not from me, not from anyone. Yet, I get frustrated and angry when my kids don't do what I expect them to do. I constantly struggle with all of the expectations that I have for myself, my wife, and my family.

I hate it when I swear, yet I can't stop myself before I let it rip. I know that it hurts those to whom it is directed at, yet I just can't seem to stop. If I'm not swearing, I'm yelling. That can be just as hurtful as swearing.

I'm very emotionally based. It's been said that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. And I'm pretty certain that's true. Do you know how hard it is to be "emotional" and be a man at the same time. Our society doesn't accept it and points fingers and accusing glances at that type of man.

Now, link together my emotionalism with being in-tuned with how other people feel, and you find that life gets really difficult. You see, if I hurt someone I feel hurt. My pride won't let me apologize, even when I know that is the only way to get things resolved. I feel stuck in a never ending cycle of destructive behavior.

I can be at turns extremely self-confident, yet I struggle with my self-esteem. In fact, I say that most of my self-confidence is a mask that I hide behind. I can't stand the fact that I'm not the ideal anything: father, husband (lover), worker, friend, neighbor, etc.

I could probably live with all of those things, you know...it being life and all that rot. What is especially galling to me is my real lack of spiritual discipline. I can't make the time to read the Bible, pray, or meditate on that which is good and true. I know that in order to be the kind of father, husband, worker, friend, neighbor, etc that I want to be, I need to be a real, live, honest-to-goodness Christian.

Being a real, live, honest-to-goodness Christian doesn't mean being perfect. Nor does it mean doing everything "right". It means taking baby steps and doing what needs to be done. One thing is certain, any time you undertake a revision of your spiritual goals you risk proving that you don't have what it takes to be a Christian. How does one run the race to the end, especially when you are road-weary?

I guess being road-weary isn't all that bad. Unfortunately, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I understand that I might just be the real reason why my marriage is failing so miserably. I know that it takes two to tango, but it only takes one to start the CD player, right? Might I be the one who pressed play?

Cheers